Results tagged “honesty” from Marilyn Sewell

In institutional affairs, as well as in affairs of the heart, we do well to "speak the truth, in love."  This promise was part of the covenant which ministers typically make when they are installed in a church.  It is not an easy covenant to keep.  Leaders of all kinds of institutions tend to think that fudging the truth from time to time will keep the institution stable and whole; they tend to believe that transparency is just threatening.  Well, truth-telling is messy, yes, but necessary--necessary for the integrity of an institution, and necessary for its long-term viability and strength. And it must be done in love.  That's the clincher. 

Romantic partners also tend to shy away from truth-telling.  We will hold back our true feelings, even deny these feelings altogether, in the name of holding onto the "togetherness"--or at least the peace of the household.  But this denial of our own emotional reality never works.  As one friend once reminded me, "The unconscious always wins."  So we push those hurt feelings under, over and over again, and then all of a sudden we lash out--or worse than that, we just decide we don't want to be with this person any longer.  We may not even know why.  For some reason, we just don't like ourselves when we are with this partner. 

In affairs of state, the same principle holds: speak the truth, with respect and compassion.  President Obama beautifully illustrated how this might be done in his speech in Cairo, on June 4.  In a world in which posing and posturing are the order of the day, resulting in seemingly endless hostilities and shameful human loss, Obama simply said: "So long as our relationship is defined by our differences, we will empower those who sow hatred rather than peace, and who promote conflict rather than the cooperation that can help all of our people achieve justice and prosperity.  This cycle of suspicion and discord must end. I have come here to seek a new beginning between the United States and Muslims around the world . . . ."

Obama doesn't skirt the specifics: the Arab world heard about extremism, about nuclear arms programs, about a poor record in human rights.  On the other hand, Obama spoke with equal passion about the suffering of the Palestinians due to the Israeli occupation, about the injustice of Israeli settlements in the occupied territory.  He quoted from the Holy Koran (a holy scripture rarely heard by U.S. citizens): "Be conscious of God and speak always the truth."  He went on to say that he will try "to speak the truth as best I can, humbled by the task before us . . . ."

Obama is showing the world--and most especially his own country--what leadership is all about.  He may not be able to heal the ages-old rift between Palestinians and Jews--which after all, goes back all the way to Jacob and Esau--but the truth of his words moved people all over the world, ordinary people who understand on a very viseral level that violence multiplies upon itself and that peace makes possible lives of hope and prosperity, for us and for our children and for our children's children.

Courage is required to speak the truth, whether it's in regard to institutions, or intimate relationships, or foreign affairs.  There are always those who are ready to condemn, or to take advantage of any weakness shown.  But the fact is that there is health in the truth, and people are drawn to health when it is given as an alternative.  Honesty has a way of opening up possibility, because a clean field emerges where previously obfuscation made everything blurry and confusing. 

Yes, truth-telling takes courage, but when it's done for the right reason and when it's done in love, it leads to new life.  Ways open that have been shut.  Dreams that never could be imagined suddenly appear. Nothing seems impossible.

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It has been disturbing to many of us who have supported Sam Adams that he lied to the public about his sexual relationship with Beau Breedlove.  During the mayoral campaign, Sam was accused by a rival candidate of having sex with a minor, and fearful that the public would not believe him (Sam) if he explained that Breedlove was of age, he lied.  In fact, Sam claimed to be only a mentor and feigned indignance that people might think that he, a gay man, might not be trusted in a mentoring relationship with a handsome young man.  He created a public relations campaign to discredit his detractors, and as part of that effort, coached Breedlove to lie effectively, as well.  Moreover, Sam may have hired an unqualified individual, a former reporter, as part of his staff, in order to stop her investigation of his relationship with Breedlove. 

Many citizens have called for Sam to step down, saying that he has lost the public trust.  Others have urged him to stay on as our Mayor, saying that he has done nothing illegal, and though his deceit was reprehensible, he has learned his lesson and that he has the skills and commitment to serve the city well. This is a complex issue, with no clear-cut answers.  I have tried to sort out my thinking on the situation, and want to share those thoughts with you. 

My God is a God of love and mercy, rather than a God of judgment and condemnation.  Therefore, I believe that if Sam truly understands the import of what he has done and repents of his behavior, then he should stay in office.  If he is opportunistic and devious, thinking of his own career and well-being, then he should by all means resign.  Only Sam knows what is in Sam's heart, and I would urge him to consider what is there.  Those of us in the Judeo-Christian tradition might be reminded of King David, who sent Bathsheba's husband into the front lines of battle, that he might be killed, so David could have his wife.  We might remember Paul, who was a fierce prosecutor of Christians before his conversion on the road to Damascus.

We might ask ourselves: who among us has not done something absolutely stupid, because we were sexually attracted to another, or "in love"?  We might ask ourselves if we have ever lied to avoid getting in trouble.  "Yes, but Adams is a public servant!" we say.  And public servants are also human beings.  We often forget that.  And we often forget the immense pressures that leaders are under, and the isolation they feel.  Does this excuse bad behavior?  No, but it helps to explain it.

Another dimension of Sam's offense is the abuse of power.  The two men were not equals, and Sam needed to recognize that his age and position made Breedlove vulnerable.  Fortunately, by his own testimony, Breedlove seems to not have been harmed by the relationship.  But Sam must recognize that with the power of office comes the responsbility to use that power to serve and protect--otherwise, other abuses of power will come into play. 

Incidentally, the question of whether or not Breedlove was 18 when he and Sam had sex is a legal question, but not a moral question, to me.  Was it two weeks after his 18th birthday, or two weeks before?  The moral question is whether or not any liason, at any age, has integrity.  When I was growing up in the '50's in rural Louisiana, people often married young.  I remember that my brother's best friend was a young farmer who married at the age of 15 to a beautiful young woman of fourteen.  They had four beautiful daughters and a good, sound marriage.  Age and sexual propriety changes with time and with various cultures.  It is arbitrary.  (And yes, one should respect the laws of the land.)

Another consideration is whether or not it makes a difference that Sam Adams is gay.  Are we more forgiving of Bill Clinton, because after all "men will be men"?  In recent days we have brought into office a President who seems to have great integrity--and we breathe a sigh of relief.  We don't want to see any more sexual scandals in high places.  But it is interesting that during the past few days, dotted frequently with memories of other heroes, when JFK was mentioned or when MLK, Jr., was mentioned, no one seems to remember their well-documented extra-marital sexual liasons, again an abuse of power.  And indeed, I'm happy not to go there, either.  But we cannot have it both ways--condemning people we don't like (Larry Craig), while passing on people we admire (Clinton).

So again, I say, what kind of man are you, Sam Adams?  Do you know what you have done?  Have you truly repented?  Are you willing to go forward in good faith, and serve the public with honesty and integrity, understanding that it's not about you?  If so, I say, "Don't resign.  We all make mistakes.  We can change.  I believe that you have much to offer our city, and I hope you have the character and will to offer it."

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One of my congregants read a passage from the late Walter Lippmann today at a meeting, and I found his words both moving and relevant to our current political/financial crisis.  The passage is from Lippmann's essay "The False Gods," Today and Tomorrow, May 20, 1932.  In part, it reads: 

"What is it that has shaken the nerves of so many?  It is the doubt whether there exists among the people that trust in each other which is the first condition of intelligent leadership.  That is the root of the matter.  The particular projects which we debate so angrily are not so important.  The fate of the nation does not hang upon any of them.  But upon the power of the people to remain united for purposes which they respect, upon their capacity to have faith in themselves and in their objectives, much depends.  It is not the facts of the crisis which we have to fear.  They can be endured and dealt with.  It is demoralization alone that is dangerous.

"A demoralized people is one in which the individual has become isolated and is the prey of his own suspicions.  He trusts nobody and nothing, not even himself.  He believes nothing, except the worst of everybody and everything. He sees only confusion in himself and conspiracies in other men.  That is panic.  That is disintegration.  That is what comes when in some sudden emergency of their lives men (sic) find themselves unsupported by clear convictions that transcend their immediate and personal desires."

We have a situation now in this country in which nobody knows what to do, and nobody trusts the good will of our leadership.  In the face of the current financial meltdown, no more do we believe that "actually, someone is in charge; somebody knows more than I know about how things work--I need not worry."  Instead, it has come down to our "immediate and personal desires."  How does this crisis affect me?  Or, in the case of some people, "How can I profit from this crisis?"  Or in the case of some of our Congress people, "What must I say or do to be re-elected?"

We see conspiracies everywhere.  We fear that power given will be power misused.  What seemed perfectly clear a few weeks ago is no longer on the radar screen at all.  Hardly anyone is thinking like a citizen; many seem to being thinking how to gain advantage, rather than how to help and to heal.

The remedy?  Try honesty and trust.  Try integrity.  Try being sensitive to the needs of the poor.  "The world is flat," Thomas Freidman says, and all of us are one. All of us are one, yes, but not only in terms of our flow of money and goods, our fast-food joints, and our pop music--we are also one much more more literally, much closer to the flesh.  We cannot be separated, one from the other. What is good for one is good for all; what hurts one, hurts all.

We know that withdrawing honesty, trust, integrity from any relationship destroys that relationship.  We also know that whatever we do for ourselves alone is not enough, it is never enough.  We move through each day of our lives only with the support and care of many others.  The complex systems of families, communities, institutions, and governments that hold us are there only because of the common faith and trust of many who are present now and the many who came before. 

The power of the people depends upon our faith in something larger than our immediate needs and desires.  We need leaders of integrity and vision who can bring us together.  We need leaders who can summon us to a future that is worthy of our lives.

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