Results tagged “forgiveness” from Marilyn Sewell

During Archbishop TuTu's recent visit to Portland, some of us were asked to participate in panel discussions on several related topics.  I was asked to be on a panel entitled "Religion as a Bridge to Reconciliation."  The following is part of what I said in my introductory remarks:

The word religion comes from the prefix re, meaning back and the Latin ligare, which means "to bind" or "to bind back" or "to reconnect."  One might say that the function of religion is to repair the illusion of our separation.  Religion should play a natural, a logical role in reconciliation--to bind us together in common values of love, compassion, justice, and forgiveness.

Unfortunately, religion--and I can speak with real authority only of the Christian religion, which is my own--religion most often seems to do the opposite: it serves to separate and to divide.  Christianity has such a bad reputation that the very use of the word in the common vernacular connotes "one who is rigid in belief," and people who are not religious are wary of those who are, for these unconverted individuals--those unwashed in the blood, so to speak--too often have been targets for conversion and have not been respected as the persons, theological and otherwise, that they are.

Of course, all religious people are not Fundamentalists by any means, but even so, when any group of people begin to say, "My way is the way, my path is the only path," the result is division and acrimony.

In fact, religion then becomes no different in this way from any other ideology, whethers an idealogy of communism or capitalism or racism or deconstructionist thinking.  One who becomes an ideologist, or a true believer, begins to exist in a closed system.  Whatever fits into this chosen system is labeled "true" and whatever does not is labeled "false."  The curiosity, spontaneity, and growth of such an individual become limited.

Because each of us is troubled by a multitude of interior forces we do not and will not ever totally understand, it is our nature to look for a system which explains our angst and which makes us feel safe within the walls of that system.  We do not see that system as arbitrary, as created by humans who are terrified of our own inevitable demise, and so we reify those structures--that is, we come to believe that there is a concrete reality there.  Therefore, we cling to these beliefs as to life itself, and whatever threatens them must be challenged--or perhaps stemped out, eliminated.

Given this very human and very pervasive problem with religion, one can see why religion often fails to be a sturdy instrument of reconciliation.  At the same time, we know that there have been instances when it has been.  I'm thinking of enlightened leaders who have internalized the radical way of being that seems to be at the heart of all major religions--the radical way of love, compassion, peace.  Violence and retribution have no part to play.  I'm thinking, for example, for Martin Luther King, Jr., who taught non-violence in the Civil Rights movement; or Gandhi, who practiced satyagraha, or passive resistance, to free his people from British rule; or a more recent example, the Amish, who forgave the man who gunned down their children in a Pennsylvania schoolhouse a few years ago, because these gentle people could do no other: forgiveness is their way of being.

So if we mean by religion, a spiritual commitment to love and compassion and non-violence--if we mean by religion, a radical change of being in which the individual or community understands that we are all one and that love and forgiveness are central to their being, then yes, religion is the essence of reconciliation and a path to that difficult state.

But if we mean by religion--which we generally do--an institutionalized set of beliefs, then, no, just the opposite.  For religion in that sense divides people into the righteous and the unrighteous, the saved and the unsaved, the good and the evil.  And of course if we have made "the other" evil, then the righteous must have control over the evil ones.  We righteous ones can then project all of our shadow side onto these evil ones, and then Christians can smile as we say things to gays and lesbians like, "I hate the sin, but love the sinner," or say to those of another faith tradition, "If you haven't accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior, you're going to hell."  Not to mention the generations of wars between believers of various faiths throughout the world, throughout all time.  Make the people of a different tribe or race or religion "other," and they are much easier to kill.

So is religion a path to reconciliation?  Not until its practititioners mature as religious beings.  Not until its institutions become more devoted to the heart-lessons of their prophets than to the divisive theology of their true believers.

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One of the most difficult of all human tasks, emotionally and spiritually, is forgiving those who have harmed us.  I suppose the difficult part is that we are human, and it is natural to want to strike back and hurt this person in return. Because so many of my congregants found my sermon, "Slouching Toward Forgiveness" helpful, I decided to expand upon it and to write a book on the subject.  The book is small and unpretentious--indeed, I do not claim to have perfected myself in this regard--but it contains the essence of what I have discovered thus far in my own search for understanding and practice.  The book is entitled simply A Little Book on Forgiveness, and it is now for sale in our own Beacon Book Store.  I will be doing a book signing on Nov. 30 and also on Dec. 14, for this book and for my other titles, which the bookstore carries. 

To give you a taste of the content of the new book on forgiveness, I'm going to reprint a few passages here in today's blog:

"Forgiveness asks us to go beyond that understandable impulse to judge and to punish.  It is a softening and healing of the heart, in response to pain or injustice.  It is a gift, not to the offending party, but to ourselves . . . ."

"Forgiveness is not just a single act, but is a way of being.  I believe that this way of living--living, that is, with discernment but not with judgment--is our best chance as human beings to find at last the peace of body and soul that we seek in vain, through other means."

"Forgiveness is a profound act of self-healing.  It allows us to make choices for our lives that we could not otherwise make, to make room for joy, for love.  Yes, as we forgive, we find that we are no longer defined and controlled by our pain and sadness . . . ."

"We need not be surprised if forgiveness is difficult, or if it takes a long time.  We need not feel guilty about our struggles to forgive.  We are not bad people because we struggle in this way.  We are just human.  We simply cannot will ourselves to forgive.  Quite honestly, I think forgiveness is an act of grace."

"We grow in compassion as we reflect upon our own lives and circumstances.  We realize that even our best-intentioned, most spirit-led decisions have the capacity to hurt others, including those we love."

"Each of us, no matter what our circumstances, has a rock-bottom choice to make, and that choice will determine the character and direction of our lives.  We can decide to be on the side of love, or not."

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Question: "How does a mother deal with difficulties with her grown daughters?"

Answer: All of us who have adult children know that parenthood never ends--we will always be moms and dads to our children, and we will always be concerned when they are in ill health or when their lives seem to be going awry, for any reason.  I'm not sure what kind of difficulties you are referring to, but generally parents get in trouble when we try to exercise control over our grown children.  About all we can do is to be there for them and to be sensitive to their stated needs--in other words, to be a loving presence in their lives.  We should always let them know that we care about them, and we should not withhold approval and praise, for even though they are grown, they need this kind of support from their parents and will continue to need it, whether they are 25 or 65.

Question: "How do you love someone who continues to hurt you?"

Answer: You would have to be something of a saint to love someone who is continuing to hurt you.  I'm assuming that you have some control over the relationship.  You should not allow anyone to hurt you, even if this person is a relative or close friend.  I suggest that you tell the individual how and why you are hurting, and if the behavior doesn't stop, then withdraw from the relationship.  At this point it will be much easier to practice forgiveness.  Remember, however, that forgiveness does not necessarily include reconciliation and renewed pain.

Question: "What is the best way to mend a broken heart?"

Answer: This is not my area of expertise, believe me!  Longing for love, we internalize in our very flesh the memory of belonging and connection from the last intimate relationship we experienced.  We must grieve that loss, and then, in my experience, we must find a new love, else memories of the old love will continue to haunt us.

Question: "How can our faith help with the anxiety and despair we have over the environmental crisis?"

Answer: There must have been other times in history when people thought that surely the world would end--perhaps during the Black Death of medieval times or during the World Wars of the last century.  The fact is that we do not have ultimate control.  All we can do is to face reality with courage and to do what we can to heal our earth and its people.  If we are depending upon ourselves alone, that is a frightening prospect, indeed.  But remember that we are partnered with the Holy.  That is the assurance that makes us strong and faithful in challenging times like these. 

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