In institutional affairs, as well as in affairs of the heart, we do well to "speak the truth, in love." This promise was part of the covenant which ministers typically make when they are installed in a church. It is not an easy covenant to keep. Leaders of all kinds of institutions tend to think that fudging the truth from time to time will keep the institution stable and whole; they tend to believe that transparency is just threatening. Well, truth-telling is messy, yes, but necessary--necessary for the integrity of an institution, and necessary for its long-term viability and strength. And it must be done in love. That's the clincher.
Romantic partners also tend to shy away from truth-telling. We will hold back our true feelings, even deny these feelings altogether, in the name of holding onto the "togetherness"--or at least the peace of the household. But this denial of our own emotional reality never works. As one friend once reminded me, "The unconscious always wins." So we push those hurt feelings under, over and over again, and then all of a sudden we lash out--or worse than that, we just decide we don't want to be with this person any longer. We may not even know why. For some reason, we just don't like ourselves when we are with this partner.
In affairs of state, the same principle holds: speak the truth, with respect and compassion. President Obama beautifully illustrated how this might be done in his speech in Cairo, on June 4. In a world in which posing and posturing are the order of the day, resulting in seemingly endless hostilities and shameful human loss, Obama simply said: "So long as our relationship is defined by our differences, we will empower those who sow hatred rather than peace, and who promote conflict rather than the cooperation that can help all of our people achieve justice and prosperity. This cycle of suspicion and discord must end. I have come here to seek a new beginning between the United States and Muslims around the world . . . ."
Obama doesn't skirt the specifics: the Arab world heard about extremism, about nuclear arms programs, about a poor record in human rights. On the other hand, Obama spoke with equal passion about the suffering of the Palestinians due to the Israeli occupation, about the injustice of Israeli settlements in the occupied territory. He quoted from the Holy Koran (a holy scripture rarely heard by U.S. citizens): "Be conscious of God and speak always the truth." He went on to say that he will try "to speak the truth as best I can, humbled by the task before us . . . ."
Obama is showing the world--and most especially his own country--what leadership is all about. He may not be able to heal the ages-old rift between Palestinians and Jews--which after all, goes back all the way to Jacob and Esau--but the truth of his words moved people all over the world, ordinary people who understand on a very viseral level that violence multiplies upon itself and that peace makes possible lives of hope and prosperity, for us and for our children and for our children's children.
Courage is required to speak the truth, whether it's in regard to institutions, or intimate relationships, or foreign affairs. There are always those who are ready to condemn, or to take advantage of any weakness shown. But the fact is that there is health in the truth, and people are drawn to health when it is given as an alternative. Honesty has a way of opening up possibility, because a clean field emerges where previously obfuscation made everything blurry and confusing.
Yes, truth-telling takes courage, but when it's done for the right reason and when it's done in love, it leads to new life. Ways open that have been shut. Dreams that never could be imagined suddenly appear. Nothing seems impossible.
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